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On July 15, 2006, the Red Hot Poker Tour wrapped up its fifth season (fifth-and-a-half if you include the abbreviated summer series of 2005) with the Tournament of Champions 5. Sharmarke Osman won that day, joining Jim Graham, Leslie Kassa, Adam Domenchini, and Jimmy Herrera on Team Canada Poker. But those are just the post-season standouts. Where's the glory for those who flourish in the regular season?
Why, right here.
The following list acknowledges the accomplishments of the ten players who have earned the most points in Red Hot's now five-season-long history. Using a pencil, a piece of paper, and an abacus, I tabulated the scores of everyone who'd ever played a tournament on the tour. Or at least I tried to. Mostly I just added up all the scores from all the end-of-season leaderboards. So if you didn't make one of those lists, your scores weren't counted. And the still-in-progress Season 6 scores are also not included. But those limitations are negligible; the list, incomplete as it may be, still recognizes some amazing accomplishments.".
And since I've sat across the felt from all of these players at one point or another, I've written up a little bonus scouting report on each. Though I had to bring in a guest scout for player #9, as I felt a little too close to the subject to give an objective opinion. Mr. Domenchini, previously mentioned above, did the honours. And since I gave him carte blanche in writing up his assessment, I cannot vouch for the surreal, loopy, grammatically-incorrect nature of his work. As we often say around the campfire, "That's just Adam!"
Anyway, enjoy... and congrats -- and good pokering -- to all included below:
1. Bill "Sis Boom" Bawden (39975 points, 267 tournaments, 85 final tables, 5 wins)
I have a theory about the secret of Bill's success, and it has nothing to do with his patience at the tables, or his pleasant disposition, or even his Playboy-mosaic shirt. No, I believe that he accumulated all those points through the power of his crazy elephant's-head cane. Have you seen that cane? It's crazy! And what's even crazier is this: Bill doesn't even walk with a limp. That cane is totally just fashion!
Or maybe it isn't. In the Hindu religion of India the elephant-headed god Ganesha is worshipped as a luck-god. Though not the greatest of poker players, Ganesha always seemed to manage a huge suckout on the river. Bill's luck is about the same. Coincidence? I think not.
2. Jonathan "Hurricane I" Vanstone (29425, 172, 50, 12)
Take a look at that last number, for a second. Twelve wins. That is awe-inspiring. The next best total, all-time, is 8. Even Doyle Brunson, Johnny Chan, and Phil Hellmuth only have 10 wins apiece. Am I saying that Johnny is better than Doyle, Chan, and Phil? No I am not. I'm just putting numbers on a page.
If we only counted the points from those 12 wins (12000 plus 300 in participation points), Vanstone would still place 48th on the all-time points list. Please stop reading and think about that for a second. Done thinking? Good. Now, pick your jaw up off the floor, go collect yourself some white chips, and continue on with the rest of the list.
3. Shane "Come back, Shane!" St. John (28100, 274, 45, 7)
There's a theory -- mostly put forth by Shane himself -- that one isn't really a Red Hot Poker Tour player until one has sat down at a table with Shane. I happen to agree with this theory, because sitting down at a table with Shane is a unique experience, one you won't come close to with anyone else on the tour. And it makes you a better player, to boot. Shielding yourself from his never-ending barrage of table chatter, warding off his relentless aggressive attack, and still being able to play cards with the man, appears, at first, to be an exercise in futility. But if you can survive it once, and then survive it again, your game will instantly soar to a whole new level. Thanks, Shane, for making us all better players.
4. Brian "Red" Crosgrove (27650, 284, 48, 5)
More than anyone I've played with, Brian takes defeat personally. In this respect, I can relate to him wholeheartedly. We both seem to think that bad beats were sent down from the poker gods as punishment, that long stretches of bad cards are practical jokes against us, and that losing to inferior players is just karmic retribution. And we both -- vainly, most of the time -- attempt to fight back against these supernatural forces, with the heat of a thousand suns. Brian, I will stand beside you in battle any day of the week and twice on Sunday, as we bare our swords against the poker forces aligned against us. Tally ho!
5. Sean "Zap! Biff!" Powell (27025, 304, 44, 6)
Here are some numbers, for the number geeks:
Between April 1, 2005 (the first day of Season 2) and July 13, 2006 (the last day of Season 5) Sean played in 304 tournaments. That's 304 tournaments in a span of 468 days. Which works out to approximately 1.539 days per tournament (468 days divided by 304 tournaments). Or 36.947 hours per tournament (1.539 x 24 hours... do I really need to walk you through this simple math?). Now, let's assume that the average tournament lasts 3.5 hours. That leaves about 33.5 hours when Sean is *not* playing a Red Hot tournament.
My question, then, is this: what is he doing with those 33.5 hours? Does he even exist when not sitting at a poker table? And, more importantly, is he wearing a hat?
I suspect we'll never know...
6. John "Children of a Lesser" Godzwon (26325, 284, 48, 4)
Okay, so I had a theory about Bill Bawden's success. Wacky or not, it was a theory. I have one about John's success, too. I believe that, instead of hiding cards up his sleeves, John hides cards in his moustache. Have you seen that thing? Not only is it large enough to hide a wide assortment of cards (for any occasion and any flop) but also you could stuff some black chips in there, and, if need be, a poker table or twelve. Now, I'm not accusing John of cheating, but, then again, maybe I am. Or maybe his moustache is sentient, and John is just an innocent bystander, raking in the chips, oblivious to the deviousness happening just below his nose (literally).
7. Anne "There's Something About" Marie Howarth (24075, 196, 37, 6)
So here we have our top woman. This would normally not be a big deal in any other pastime. But poker was long played exclusively by burly men from Texas, smoking cigars and treating the waitresses like pieces of meat (I'm speculating here, mostly). Jim McManus, in his book "Positively Fifth Street", called the recent onslaught of quality women players into this long-time man's world as the "Chicks with Decks" phenomenon. A clever, and borderline lewd, pun. Anne Marie certainly fits into this Jen Harman/Kathy Liebert/Cyndy Violette mold: she's smart (I bet she leads the tour in Most Poker Books Read), aggressive, and yes, is a chick.
8. Richard "Beg, Steal, And" Borrow (23800, 191, 48, 6)
My personal history with Richard goes something like this:
Whenever I've raised up a pot, he politely asks me, "Do you want action?" No matter my answer, he usually calls my raise anyway, and somehow turns an inferior hand into one capable of relieving me of all my chips. It's happened over and over and over again, to the point where when he inevitably asks me the "action" question, I'll jump down onto the floor and beg him to fold just this once. He never does, though, and I have to respect that.
My revenge came one night when it was folded around to me in the small blind, and I push all-in with Qh 4h (wheeeee!). He doesn't give me the "action" question this time, but he does quickly call after looking at his cards. And then shows me pocket aces. Gulp! After an ace flopped, I thought I was in trouble. But karma was not smiling on Richard, this day, as running hearts gave me a flush. That plate of revenge sure tasted good, cold as it was.
9. Michael "Fuzzy Wabbit" Stone (23550, 255, 42, 6)
"When the powers that be created Mike Stone, they gave him 5 things: 1. a solid hairline that would make Patrick Dempsey do a double take; 2. a love for all foods that have something to do with either cheese or grease; 3. an encyclopedic knowledge of trivial pursuit; 4) this Herculean, Gladiator-like courage to eat anything you dare him to; and 5) a temper that rivals even that of Yosemite Sam's.
"One thing you may want to know about our faithful Hot Spot columnist is this - don't EVER upset him at the poker table. In fact, I think his favourite quote is "You're making me angry.....you're not gonna like me when I'm angry" <then, depending on the situation, you may see him turn into this big, green, ugly dude that has the strength of 7489 silverback gorillas>. But whether he's throwing his cards at you in disgust (after you've either sucked out on him, or because he flat out loathes the mere thought of your existence), or doing his 70s style dancing to some artist you've never even heard of, there's no denying the following - he's one heck of a poker player (but watch out - because he cheats). And despite what you read here, once you get to know the guy, you realize that he's actually quite loyal, very sensitive, and only eats cheese on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays."
10. Lyndon "B. Johnson" Harris (22550, 261, 36, 6)
A Red Hot Poker Tour tournament doesn't officially start until Lyndon has taken his seat, let out one of his patented belly laughs, and warned someone against stealing his big blind by barking, "Stay out of my backyard! Woof!!" It's kind of like our own version of "shuffle up and deal". He plays so many tournaments that he's like the Sean Powell of the Red Hot Poker Tour (I realize that analogy doesn't work, since Sean Powell is also the Sean Powell of the Red Hot Poker Tour; let's then call Sean the Cal Ripken of the Red Hot Poker Tour, just to avoid confusion).
I've never seen a player with a better propensity for flopping two pair, when all-in blind. It's downright uncanny. Even when he's dominated, Lyndon seems to have this ability to reach into the deck and pick out the exact card that will help him stay in the tournament. And not only that, minutes after being on the verge of defeat, and sucking out royally, he will inevitably have a big stack again. "I do my best work on the short stack," he's said, on multiple occasions. Truer words have never been spoken. 
(Curious about where you stand on the all-time points list? Drop me a line and I'll happily forward your stats. But just remember: the numbers don't lie).
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