Here's the thing about Vegas: it robs you of your sleep, and makes no bones about playing havoc with your body clock. I've been walking around in a fatigue-induced daze for the last week -- the result of many a late night while out west -- unable to manage a coherent thought in my head, never mind being able to put one down on paper. And you know what? It was all worth it!

There's a well-known acronym attached to Vegas -- I think it's even the official slogan of the Ministry of Tourism -- that goes something like this: WHIVSIV. "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." You've all heard it. Anyway, I made up another acronym that, I think, fits the city even better: IYDHFIVYPDOATVLIAC. Which stands for, "If you don't have fun in Vegas you're probably dead, or, at the very least, in a coma. Is it catchy enough to catch on? Probably.

Here's another thing about Vegas: it comes at you from out of nowhere. Flying across the western U.S. at night, looking out the window, all you can see is an endless black void. Then, all of the sudden, the city explodes into view, an electrical oasis in the middle of a pitch-black desert. First you notice just the blanket of lights that represent the expansive urban sprawl of the quickly growing city. And then you see The Strip. I'm convinced that The Strip is one of only two man made objects, along with the Great Wall of China, that can be seen from outer space. Alien spacecrafts must get lost circling our galaxy, mistaking the high-powered spotlight that emanates from the tip of the Luxor for the star Alpha Centuri.

For the 21 people who came along on the 2006 Red Hot Poker Tour Vegas Invasion, seeing the city for the first time brought on a huge adrenalin rush, a round of applause, and more than one fit of hooting and hollering. Our group of excited notables included: two Tournament of Champions winners; the Season 3 Points Champion, the third-place finisher from TOC 5; the Season 5 Ladies Champion (and one of the runners-up); several members of Red Hot's crack crew and, most impressively, the 13th and 15th place finisher from the Season 4 and 5 leaderboards respectively (who's also doubling as your humble author). This pack of poker players was ready, willing, and more than able to take Vegas by storm.

The first night in town, after checking in at the Imperial Palace hotel, a number of us hiked over to the Venetian Hotel, home of The Strip's newest and most lavish poker room. Rumours were floating around that Daniel Negreanu was playing in the Big Game over there. Sadly, no Negreanu sightings were had that night. But the Big Game was happening, alright. Walking past the cashier's cage, and through the high stakes outer room, there's a secluded inner sanctuary. Peeking through the door, we saw a table of talent enough to leave even the most cynical poker fan awestruck. Clockwise, from the dealer's left, sat Chip Reese, Eli Elezra, Sammy Farha, David Benyamine, Phil Ivey, and Gus Hansen. They were casually playing a $4000/$8000 mixed game. Between them, that group has 16 WPT TV-final tables, 7 WPT championships, and 10 WSOP bracelets. It was a sign of things to come, for our week of stargazing.

Collecting themselves, some of our group were bold enough to sit down and actually play. Shelley took some tough beats at the 1-2 No Limit table. But her losses were offset by Scott, who not only cleaned up at the 3-6 Limit game, but also managed to rake in some extra profits with some prop bets. "Fifty dollars says you don't have the best hand!" he was heard yelling at an over-anxious opponent. And sure enough, Scotty was right and pocketed the dough.

Later on that night, back at the Imperial Palace, Jimmy got his first taste of the low-stakes limit hold 'em, and the inherent frustration that goes along with it.

"I kept getting pocket jacks, pocket queens, and pocket kings," he said, exasperated. "But people kept drawing out on me!"

Jimmy later redeemed himself by making the final table in the afternoon $60 tournament at Caesars. He told me the story of his sixth place bust-out.

"I had pocket aces, so I moved all-in. Somebody called me with pocket fives, and he hit his five on the flop!"

"Isn't that also how you won the Tournament of Champions?" I asked.

Appreciating the irony just a bit, Jimmy grinned and nodded a quick, "Yeah."

***************

The next day, our first full day in Vegas, began with an early morning meeting at the Mirage poker room. We were ushered to the back corner of the room, seated at two private tables, and immediately prompted for our buy-ins. After forking over a C-note apiece, the first ever all-Red Hot 1-2 No Limit ring games had begun. The action at our table began with a bang, as Amanda picked up pocket aces on the first hand, and raked in a nice pot. The rockets were all over the place in the early going, showing up no less than four times in the first 20 minutes of play. I got them at a particularly opportune time, when Bob was holding pocket Kings. Sorry about that cold deck, pal. Anyway, after a couple of hours, I found myself up $73 for the session. Quite the feat, considering I had no food -- and only a coffee and a Corona -- in my belly (and all before noon on a Monday).

Later that afternoon, we got our first taste (and sight, and smell) of the 2006 World Series of Poker. Held this year in the Rio All-Suite Hotel Casino's enormous Amazon Room, the WSOP is like manna from heaven for poker fans. Arriving just as the $1500 Limit Hold 'Em Shootout was about to begin, we quickly spotted a bushel of big names: "Sheiky" Sheikhan, Ted Forrest, Norman Chad, Scott Fischman, Robert Williamson III, "Eskimo" Clark, Mike "The Mouth" Matusow (wearing a "Phil is a Punk" t-shirt... hee-hee), Barry Greenstein, Dewey Tomko, Todd Brunson, and Men "The Master" Nguyen all made appearances.

Seeing all these people in person, after having seen them on TV countless times, I came to a startling realization: pro poker players are either much larger or much smaller than you'd expect. For example, Howard Lederer might in fact be the largest human being on the face of the planet. And Jennifer Harman is so small you can pick her up and put her in your pocket (which was attempted by Richard Borrow). Poker players are also an oddly shaped lot, the result of having an occupation where you sit down for enormous stretches of time. Which brings me to my new poker goal: to become pear-shaped in the next five years. I think it can be done, with hours of hard work...

Not being the type to approach celebrities for autographs or pictures, I was lucky to have newly crowned Ladies Champ Amanda with me. Lucky because Amanda was able to transform herself into the AmandaTron 3000, a machine designed for the purpose of wrangling, and then taking pictures with, any and every poker pro imaginable. After winding up the AmandaTron at the beginning of the day, I watched as she: played waitress for Surindar Sunar (he wanted some tea with 2 honeys and a cream); nearly got roped into a $500 buy-in Roshambo contest by Phil Gordon; and fended off several lascivious winks from "Dutch" Boyd.

The best moment, though, came when she interrupted a conversation in mid-sentence to yelp, "Marcel Luske!" I turned around to see the elegantly-dressed Flying Dutchman himself, halfway straddling a velvet rope, one leg held perilously in the air, and holding a coffee in one hand and a sandwich in the other. He was frozen still, with a surprised look on his face, looking as if he was waiting for further instructions. "Go, go, go!" commanded the AmandaTron, and with that permission he was gone. When we ran into him again later, he let Amanda try on his trademark upside-down sunglasses. Super cool.

Knowing full well that the Rio would be a great opportunity for star gazing, I set myself a goal: by the end of the trip, I wanted to lay eyes on at least ten former Main Event Champions. That first day I knocked out 6 in rapid succession: Chris "Jesus" Ferguson, Chris Moneymaker, Greg Raymer, Juan Carlos Mortensen (one of my poker idols), Phil Hellmuth, and Johnny Chan. Dreams really do come true, I guess...

After a day at the WSOP (yeah, you know me), a couple of us headed over to Caesars Palace, to check out their poker room. The opulence of the place was distracting, but I still managed to take home a profit of $100 for the session. Thought I was hot stuff until I heard stories of other people's scores, including Dean taking down over $775, and Keith wondering if the pot he won with quads was good enough for the Big Pot of the Night bonus. Good job guys!

***************

The next day was a momentous one in the history of the Red Hot Poker Tour. After winning a pre-trip freeroll sponsored by FullContactPoker, Mark Somerton was slated to play in the $1500 No Limit Hold 'Em event at the World Series. Before the event Mark looked calm and together as he took his seat on table 88. Watching from the rail, I saw Jennifer Tilly and Shannon Elizabeth several tables over, just two of the over 2900 players who entered the event, making the first prize almost a million bucks. At the first break, Mark was sitting on about 1300 chips, but he busted out shortly thereafter, when his pocket eights lost a race versus AQ. But a very good showing, Mark.

Continuing the theme of the previous day, there was much more stargazing to be done at the Rio. David "The Devilfish" Ulliott, T.J. Cloutier, and Joe Hachem (Main Event champ #7) were all spotted walking through the halls. But the biggest moment of the day came when we met Doyle Brunson (Main Event Champ #8). He sat for autographs and pictures in the "Doyle's Room" suite, and we lined up for a chance to shake the Man's hand, and take a couple of pictures. I don't know if I'll ever get to look into the face of God himself, but seeing Texas Dolly sitting there, with that same twinkle in his eye and sporting that same friendly grin that I've seen countless times on television, I almost feel like I don't have to anymore.

Later that afternoon, I got to look into the face of a man how thinks he's God, as Phil Hellmuth made it down to four-handed at the final table of the $1000 No Limit Hold 'Em with Rebuys event. We didn't stick around to see if Phil would get his coveted tenth bracelet (I found out later that he did), but just seeing the Poker Brat in person was an interesting experience. Too bad he didn't throw a chair while we were there.

Afterwards, we took a gander at the $5000 No Limit Deuce-to-Seven Lowball with Rebuys event.
The Deuce-to-Seven is notorious for being the most skilled event at the World Series, and, sure enough, it was packed to the rafters with name pros... including Huck Seed, the ninth and final Main Event Champ I saw over the course of the week. It was a good run, and, even though I fell one short of my goal, maybe I can get the tenth one next year. After all, if Hellmuth can get to ten, so can I. And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go throw a tantrum in the hallway."

We left the Rio, at last, and finished up the night by heading to the top of the faux-"Eiffel Tower" located at the Paris Hotel. Seeing the Strip from that high vantage point makes you wonder two things: how can a being as tiny as a human construct such monstrously oversized buildings? And, is there any more neon light left in the world?

Our second-last day in Vegas was a catch-up-on-sleep day for me. After lazing around my hotel room, watching some poker on TV, and then checking out the pool, we headed back to the Mirage for some evening 1-2 No Limit. Had my best session of the trip, taking down over $180 (helped, mainly by doubling-up on my first hand with pocket kings versus pocket jacks).

The last day in town was spent mostly at the Rio. It was a day off for the World Series players, but an extreme day on for every vendor and website even remotely affiliated with poker. Every online gambling site was there, representing their wares. The Bodog booth got the award for best eye-catching display, with its bikini-models-having-a-pillow-fight-in-a-bedroom-loft.

Most of the Red Hot gang hung out at the FullContact booth. Everyone registered to play in one of their hourly live freeroll tournaments, for a chance to win a Negreanu hockey jersey. My dreams were dashed when somebody called my all-in with queen-two, and spiked a two on the flop to crush my queen-nine. The rest of the day was spent hopping from booth to booth, collecting as much swag as possible. I picked up about a dozen free poker magazines, which should fulfill my bathroom reading requirements for the next month!

Before catching our flight out, I wanted to get in one more session of poker. So I headed back to the Mirage, and got seated at a table with Shelley and Jeremy from Red Hot, and a fellow named Sonny. Sonny was decked out in gaudy jewelry, flashy clothes, and a friendly demeanor. He turned the table into a mini-party, ordering drinks all-around and cracking wise with everybody during the game play. Shelley was the big winner, crushing the table with her mighty jack-eight offsuit (which is a tough hand to play, except when you flop a boat). I, on the other hand, got absolutely no cards, and found my stack slowly blinded off. But, despite losing for the session, it was the most fun filled couple of hours I had all trip. Poker can be a frustrating game when you're not getting the cards. But when you mix it with a bunch of friendly people having a sociable good time, the game becomes almost secondary. Bouncing around the town all week, from poker room to poker room, I ran into a lot of familiar and friendly Red Hot faces wherever I went. Which made the whole trip feel like a trip through a small home town.

Which is a sentiment one can apply to Las Vegas itself. Whether you're winning or losing, Vegas is a good time. "Life springs eternal / On a gaudy neon street," sang Sheryl Crow in her melancholy ode to the city's charms. And boy was she right. Standing in the middle of the strip one day, I had a startling insight: Vegas is not really a city. It's a giant amusement park, complete with rides and expensive food and attractions and games. And fun. Remember " IYDHFIVYPDOATVLIAC"? I dare you to prove me wrong.

Thanks to Red Hot for another successful Vegas Invasion. I'll be there, front and centre, when next we jet off to the city of Lost Wages...